Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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