I'd wear matching sweaters with you
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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