weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
