drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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