Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
