Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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