You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
