i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
