I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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