So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
