dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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