My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
