that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
