now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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