I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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