Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
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He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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