I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We had sex on a dog bed..
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
