dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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