someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
