my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize