3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
