It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
