This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
