Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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