Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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