Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Boobs are out for the taking
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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