I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
