i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
