Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
