I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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