if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
