Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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