idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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