or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
