About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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