I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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