What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
smell my finger.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
