Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
