can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
