Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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