I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
