I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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