So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
