when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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