Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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