So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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