i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She's the barista slut.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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