Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
