What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
