Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
