NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize