remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
