I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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