And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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