I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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