I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
