All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
