The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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