I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
