I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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