In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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