If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
